Why Is It So Hard to Ask for Support – and What Can We Do About It?

Elisheva Gladshteyn
Jul 7
2 min read

One of the most common things I see in couples therapy is the feeling of loneliness within the relationship.

Not because there’s no one around — but because it’s hard to talk about what’s difficult. Hard to ask for help. Hard to say: “I’m not okay.”

couple-sitting-in-silence-feeling-alone-in-relationship-therapy-scene

Partners live together, but feel emotionally distant. One carries everything inside, tries to manage alone. The other has no idea that something’s wrong. Because for many of us asking for support feels like weakness. Like failure. Like shame.

Why is asking so difficult?

There are many possible reasons — and most of them are deeply human.

Fear of rejection

We worry that if we open up, we’ll be dismissed. Misunderstood. Criticized. Or just not heard at all.

Shame

The idea that “if I need help, something’s wrong with me. ”That strong people don’t ask. That love means never needing anything.

Previous experience

If we’ve asked for support in the past and were hurt or ignored,we learn it’s safer to stay silent.

Hoping they’ll “just know”

“If they really care, they’ll feel that I’m struggling. ”But it doesn’t work that way. Even those who love us deeply can’t read our minds.

What happens when no one asks?

One partner carries the weight alone — emotionally and practically. The other stays unaware, or simply doesn’t know how to help. Instead of open requests, there’s tension. Instead of closeness, there’s distance. And eventually, it feels like we’re no longer together.

So what can we do?

Accept that needing support is human. Asking for help isn’t weakness — it’s connection. It’s saying: “I trust you enough to be real with you.”
Speak clearly and directly No blaming, no guessing games. Not “You never notice what I go through,”but: “I feel overwhelmed. I really need you to just sit with me, to listen, to be near.”
Don’t wait for the perfect moment It rarely comes. One sincere sentence is enough to start moving closer.
Acknowledge that it’s hard Try saying: “I’m not used to talking about this, but I need you to know how I feel. ”That’s already a beginning.

What does this look like in couples therapy?

We don’t push people to “open up. ”We create a safe therapeutic space where it becomes possible. Where one partner can say, maybe for the first time: “I don’t know how to ask. But I want to try. ”And the other can say: “I’m here.”