What to Do When One Partner Pulls Away — and the Other Just Wants to Get Closer

It happens more often than you’d think.A couple comes into my office — one of them is quiet, distant, barely making eye contact.The other is tearful and asks,“Why are they pulling away? What did I do? I just want to reconnect…”

If you’re the one who’s constantly trying to talk, to understand, to fix things —while your partner seems to shut down, avoid, or disappear —you’re not alone.This is one of the most common dynamics I see in couples therapy.

The Pursuer–Distancer Loop

In relationships where one person pulls away,the other often pushes harder — asking, calling, reaching out, demanding answers.And the more one partner pursues,the more the other withdraws.

It becomes a painful cycle:one is chasing love, the other is trying to protect themselves.And both end up feeling alone.One feels rejected.The other — overwhelmed.

Why Does This Happen?

There’s no simple answer, but here are a few common reasons:

• Fear of closeness, sometimes rooted in past experiences

• Shame or fear of not being “enough”

• Emotional exhaustion

• Unprocessed trauma

• A relationship dynamic that’s become stuck — unintentionally, but painfully

It’s often related to specific personality structure, but without communication, it feels like rejection.Like the beginning of the end.

Therapy Helps You Break the Cycle

Most couples can’t change this pattern on their own — and that’s okay.In therapy, we slow things down.We explore what’s really going on beneath the silence,what’s protecting each partner,and how to rebuild a safer connection.

Sometimes it starts with a single, quiet conversation —the first one in weeks —where someone finally feels seen and heard, without blame or pressure.

And If You're the One Pulling Away?

If you’re the one shutting down or pulling back —know this: it doesn’t make you “the problem.”It likely means you’re hurting, overwhelmed, or scared.

That’s okay.But you don’t have to stay there.There is a way to reconnect — gently, at your pace, and with support.

In Summary

When one partner pulls away and the other reaches out —it doesn’t mean the relationship is over.It means there’s a gap.And that gap can be bridged,with honesty, understanding, and the right guidance.

If this sounds familiar —if you’re stuck in the push–pull dynamic —maybe now is the time to stop, take a breath, and see what’s really going on.

That’s what I’m here for.